Please, God, I hope this doesn't sound like excuses...

This post is so SonOne will know I really do get it.  And also, so his dad will read it, and hopefully, we can begin to remove the elephants from our lives.  I want to show him that I'm owning up to my lack of parenting and he should too.  That is my hope.  T

Those who say the past doesn't count, just move on, get over it?  It's a damn lie.  I've learned better, partly out of experience and partly out of professional training for my job of counseling individuals and facilitating groups of physical and sexual abuse survivors from ages 5 to 84.  I've SEEN the past affect hundreds of lives, and how people heal when they finally face their demons of the past. I've SEEN it, it's a fact of life.  There might be some people who can operate with demon pasts, but they are few and far between. 

• Jacob's death
• Tucker's alcoholism, divorce and loss of Jeremy's stepbrother
• My periodic depressions caused by break-ups or the season
• Daycare/childcare in our home
• The Internet was a new and wonderful escape and I was addicted
• My childhood sexual abuse
• No family

Those are the reasons I wasn't there for him.  Some of them look like valid reasons to not be present for parenting.  But no.  Most of them ... I had a choice.

Maybe Jacob's death was the only valid "excuse"?  I would say the grief was at least 3 years of hell, with the first year being numb, the second year was true hell cause the numbness had worn off, and the third year was intermittent with good days sprinkled amongst the bad days.  Jeremy was 3 to 6 years old.  Important years.  I even wrote a poem about it.  Read it to see how I neglected him.  I remember that morning vividly.  

• What I should have done?  I don't know.  I don't think I could have done it even if I knew.

We were with Tucker for 8 or 9 years.  Jeremy was 5ish to 13ish.  Important years.  Being with Tucker helped me realize I had some severe issues of my own, and I started my counseling process for sexual abuse and coda-dependency.  His drinking triggered many, many issues with me.  First I was gone 2 nights a week because I was in support groups, having learned that I tended to bullshit one-on-one counselors.  Then I was gone 2 nights a week because it was my job to run those groups.  I was wrapped up in intense emotions - mine, and then clients.  It was a case of the Shoemaker's Kid.  I dealt with it all day during work, and when I got home, I distanced myself from my kid, cause he was sensitive enough to know that I was "gone", so he learned to always be "fine".  Then there were the fights and depression over the drinking behavior and the obsessive checking on my alcoholic.

• What should I have done?  I needed to go thru a Tucker, but my kid didn't.  He should have come first, and I should not have CHOSEN to stay with an alcoholic who was never home, and when he was - he was drunk and a sloppy stepfather.  This was most definitly in my control, and I made the wrong choice.  I. made. the. wrong. choice.  What idiot realizes on her WEDDING DAY that getting married was the wrong thing to do, but goes thru it anyways?  !!!  SonOne... you learned it from me.  I am soo sooo sorry.  

Depression was my middle name.  It was easy to fall into depressions, because that was my default operating mode.  I used to tell myself that suicide was always an option.  For me, knowing I had that choice helped me in some sort of way.  Jeremy was 3 - 18 years old.  Important years.  It seemed to hit hard every two years, and I'd have to find another anti-depressant and go back to counseling.  Appointments always had to be after work, so more time away from Jeremy.  What kind of coping skills did that teach my son?  Next to none - is the answer. 

• What should I have done?  I don't know.  I think I did my best (after the first 3 years of grieving) to get the help I needed, be it anti-depressants and/or more counseling, which usually opened up a whole new can of worms.  My depressions weren't caused only by having issues - it was organic too.  It was seasonal and cyclical.  Get depressed, get on anti-depressants for 3-4 months (like stocking up on Serotonin) and things were good for a couple of years.